We have said that leadership involves making good decisions. One of the most important decisions many young people face today is whether to wait until marriage to engage in sex or to go ahead before marriage. This is a major decision in how to lead one's life and should be considered very carefully.
Many media messages seem to tell us there is nothing unusual or wrong with having sex without marriage. People in movies and on TV do it all the time. However, because they are not really doing it, there are rarely any consequences shown on the screen—like diseases, unwanted pregnancies, or regrets for having engaged in sex. The reality of people's lives who are having sex without marriage is a very different story.
Story: Felicity and Jim—Love and Disease
Felicity, an attractive blonde in her twenties, went to her doctor with a question. It was about her love life.
"Doctor, I've recently met a great guy named Jim. The only problem is, Jim has herpes (a sexually transmitted disease) from a previous sexual relationship. He says he doesn't have any symptoms, but he says he is 'shedding.' What does that mean?"
The doctor told her that her new partner was "shedding" the virus—meaning germs were flaking off him frequently if he was not taking medication—and the germs could get on her if she had sex with him.
Felicity's doctor told her firmly to not have sex with anyone until they were married. If she was deeply in love with Jim and he with her, they could use certain practices to protect her from getting the disease once they were married. The doctor recommended that the man wear a condom during sex with a cream on it that destroys viruses. They should not have sex any time he was having symptoms of the disease. Further, any baby they might have would also be exposed to the disease, which could be very dangerous for the baby.
Felicity left the doctor's in tears. She was in love. But she couldn't imagine marrying someone with whom she would have to avoid sex at times, have to use medicines and creams and latex to protect her from a disease he had gotten from another woman and maybe have a baby that got the disease too.
Felicity decided to break it off with Jim and look for a man who had stayed sexually pure--like she had--saving sex for marriage.
This is not that unusual a case. In some countries, as many as 20% of people over the age of 12 have herpes. Sometimes the personal ads in newspapers outline the kind of diseases the person has so that only people with the same disease, or people who don't mind being infected with the disease, will get in touch with the person for a date.
Isn't it romantic?
Think about how your plans for your future could be destroyed if, as a result of even one sexual encounter, you became or caused someone to become pregnant or you contracted a sexual disease. Your life would suddenly get very complicated and would likely go in a direction you would not be happy about. Teenagers often think such things could never happen to them, yet statistics show it is happening to many.
Let's look at some of the reasons people decide to have sex before marriage.
Justifying sex before marriage
Some people think that sexual relations before marriage are not harmful and are even beneficial. Here we will examine some of these ideas and see how “beneficial” sexual relations before marriage really are:
Some people say that before marrying, couples need to be sure they are compatible. They should have a "trial marriage" to see if it will work. Since sex is an important part of marriage, they say it is important to get to know each other in this way before marriage.
Research shows that couples who live together before marriage are much more likely to divorce than those who do not. These "trial" marriages or testing out periods don't work the way people think they will work.
The fact is, premarital sex does not help us to discover whether our partner possesses the truly important qualities or virtues necessary for a successful marriage, such as trustworthiness, honesty, or kindness. On the contrary, it can cloud our judgment and lead us to marry the wrong person. Sex creates strong emotional bonds and can make us believe a relationship is deeper than it really is. This emotional bonding can lead us to prolong a relationship that is based mainly on sexual attraction—very powerful feelings that nevertheless fade. As a result, we eventually feel trapped in a relationship we have outgrown.
Another argument in favor of premarital sex is that the sexual experience gained will help us to have better sex in our eventual marriage.
Sex is a mystery that is very exciting for a married couple to explore, learn about and share together. On the other hand, if one of the partners is "experienced," he/she she will always be comparing his/her spouse to previous persons with whom he/she has had sex. In this way, previous partners come back to haunt the marriage bed and create dissatisfaction. A scientific study of people who were virgins when they married found that they enjoyed their sex lives with their spouses more than people who were not virgins when they married.
Some people say that sex is simply a physical need, like eating or sleeping, and there is nothing wrong with satisfying this need.
Sex is not a need; it is a drive. If you do not eat, you will die. If you do not sleep, you will lose motor and mental skills and have accidents and be unable to work. If you do not have sex, will you die? Will you lose motor and mental skills? In fact, those who live celibate lives, such as monks and nuns, are renowned for their longevity, good health and spiritual wisdom!
Sometimes people compare human sexuality with animal sexuality. However, there is a great deal of difference. Animals cannot control their sex drive and have no choice but to mate when they are in heat. For them, sex is not related to love. As human beings, we have the ability to control our behavior with our minds. We can think and evaluate a situation before we act. We don't have to follow every desire or impulse we feel. This is because human sex is not just a physical act. It is meant to be an expression of love between two people who are committed to one another for life. It downgrades our humanity to separate sex from love.
Some say that marriage is old-fashioned. Why can’t people be in a relationship without marrying?
A wedding ceremony represents a public commitment between a man and a woman. Every culture known to scientists has had marriage. Is it just an ancient custom--or is it something that people everywhere, in every time era, have wanted? Those who are not prepared to make a public commitment to each other, as in marriage, are not yet ready for the intimate relationship of sex.
When two people simply live together, the partners—sometimes unconsciously—keep the idea of walking out when things get tough. This influences the atmosphere in the family, if there are children. Even when the relationship seems harmonious, the partners can never be completely sure of each other. There will always be a feeling of insecurity about their relationship.
A common argument nowadays is "If I love someone, it is natural to express that love sexually, even if I know it will not be a permanent relationship."
One way we communicate with each other is through language. Our words convey information and meaning to each other. If we misuse our words, our ability to communicate will be devalued.
The same applies to love, which is often described as a language. If we easily say, "I love you," to lots of people, then it becomes difficult to find words to express love to the person who really is special. If we easily have sex with people, even if we think we are expressing love to them, we no longer have any unique and exclusive way to express love to the person who is most special to us. Just as words are devalued by misuse and overuse, so is sexual love.
That is why the marital relationship has been the place traditionally reserved for the sexual dimension of love. Sexual love becomes the seal upon this unique, exclusive relationship and sets it apart from all others.
Some benefits of abstinence until marriage
Abstinence spares us from unwanted feelings of guilt, regret, hurt and betrayal that come from uncommitted sexual relationships. Research shows that there is a big difference in the psychology of people who engage in sex before marriage and those who don’t. Teenagers who choose abstinence tend to be more capable of thinking about their future and planning ahead. Those who are sexually active, on the other hand, often do not think ahead. They tend to live in the moment. No wonder they get into trouble!
Sexual abstinence means not only not engaging in sex, but also keeping our thoughts and words clean and pure. In its broadest sense it means reserving our heart and soul for that special expression of love meant for marriage. In addition to avoiding the negative consequences of premature sexual relations such as unwanted pregnancies and diseases, we can count among the benefits of abstinence the following:
• You are free to develop your character.
Young people spend a lot of time making themselves sexually attractive. By deciding to wait until marriage, you can devote your attention instead to developing your virtues, which will make your marriage more romantic later on. By saving sex for marriage, you can focus on preparing for your career and your future in general.
• You can develop friendships with a wide variety of people.
You can be free to befriend many people and learn the value of friendship without sexual pressures. Many times teenagers are afraid to simply make friends with someone because their partner may become jealous. Often very good friendships are ruined when the friends become sexually involved. By deciding to wait until marriage, all of your friends can remain as friends because you have drawn a clear line between your friends and your eventual spouse.
• You can trust yourself and your future spouse.
By developing self-control before you are married, you can trust yourself to be faithful after marriage. If you cannot wait until you are married, the pattern you have established can easily destroy your marriage. If either you or your spouse could not control your sexual behavior before marriage, how can you trust that you can after marriage?
• You can keep your marriage fresh and alive.
The intensity of first love is tremendous—it fills every cell of your body. You walk into your first love full of hope and expectation. You feel as if it will last forever. But if you break up, heartbreak is inevitable, and somehow the second love is never as wondrous as the first. But if that first-love feeling is cemented by total commitment through marriage, that marriage will be much more fresh and alive than one which you entered after the memory of other broken relationships.
• You won't be compared to past lovers.
It's not easy to forget the experience of previous love affairs, even if you are married. If both you and your spouse come into the marriage pure, you will never suffer the experience of comparing your spouse or being compared to anyone else. There is nothing more demeaning to self-esteem than to be told that you aren't as good as someone else, especially in this most intimate aspect of life. Partners should be able to love and accept each other in an innocent and discovering way.
• You will be able to love your spouse truly.
True love means that we live for the sake of the other. In marriage the husband thinks of what is best for his wife and the wife thinks of what is best for her husband. They live to bring joy to one another. Your ability to control your sexuality for the sake of your spouse builds respect and love now, like putting money in the bank for future riches. By being true to that person before marriage, you are showing that you cherish that person above all else. He or she will be very grateful for the gift of purity you bring to the marriage.
Questions for reflection
1. Which reasons for saving sex until marriage seem most convincing to you?
2. Which reasons seem least convincing? Explain why.
3. What is abstinence?
4. What do you think of the justifications people make for premarital sex?
6. How do you think you would feel if you suddenly discovered you were pregnant, or you caused someone to get pregnant?
7. What would you do?
8. How would you feel if you suddenly discovered you had a sexual disease?
9. What would you do?
Reflection exercise: “Your Plans"
What are your plans for the next ten years? How old you will be in ten years? Think about what you want to have accomplished by then. What are your goals in terms of your education and career? Are you thinking of traveling? If you become involved in an uncommitted sexual relationship, how could this influence the fulfillment of your plans? What can you do not to avoid a situation which might damage your future?
Table of Contents
Many media messages seem to tell us there is nothing unusual or wrong with having sex without marriage. People in movies and on TV do it all the time. However, because they are not really doing it, there are rarely any consequences shown on the screen—like diseases, unwanted pregnancies, or regrets for having engaged in sex. The reality of people's lives who are having sex without marriage is a very different story.
Story: Felicity and Jim—Love and Disease
Felicity, an attractive blonde in her twenties, went to her doctor with a question. It was about her love life.
"Doctor, I've recently met a great guy named Jim. The only problem is, Jim has herpes (a sexually transmitted disease) from a previous sexual relationship. He says he doesn't have any symptoms, but he says he is 'shedding.' What does that mean?"
The doctor told her that her new partner was "shedding" the virus—meaning germs were flaking off him frequently if he was not taking medication—and the germs could get on her if she had sex with him.
Felicity's doctor told her firmly to not have sex with anyone until they were married. If she was deeply in love with Jim and he with her, they could use certain practices to protect her from getting the disease once they were married. The doctor recommended that the man wear a condom during sex with a cream on it that destroys viruses. They should not have sex any time he was having symptoms of the disease. Further, any baby they might have would also be exposed to the disease, which could be very dangerous for the baby.
Felicity left the doctor's in tears. She was in love. But she couldn't imagine marrying someone with whom she would have to avoid sex at times, have to use medicines and creams and latex to protect her from a disease he had gotten from another woman and maybe have a baby that got the disease too.
Felicity decided to break it off with Jim and look for a man who had stayed sexually pure--like she had--saving sex for marriage.
This is not that unusual a case. In some countries, as many as 20% of people over the age of 12 have herpes. Sometimes the personal ads in newspapers outline the kind of diseases the person has so that only people with the same disease, or people who don't mind being infected with the disease, will get in touch with the person for a date.
Isn't it romantic?
Think about how your plans for your future could be destroyed if, as a result of even one sexual encounter, you became or caused someone to become pregnant or you contracted a sexual disease. Your life would suddenly get very complicated and would likely go in a direction you would not be happy about. Teenagers often think such things could never happen to them, yet statistics show it is happening to many.
Let's look at some of the reasons people decide to have sex before marriage.
Justifying sex before marriage
Some people think that sexual relations before marriage are not harmful and are even beneficial. Here we will examine some of these ideas and see how “beneficial” sexual relations before marriage really are:
Research shows that couples who live together before marriage are much more likely to divorce than those who do not. These "trial" marriages or testing out periods don't work the way people think they will work.
The fact is, premarital sex does not help us to discover whether our partner possesses the truly important qualities or virtues necessary for a successful marriage, such as trustworthiness, honesty, or kindness. On the contrary, it can cloud our judgment and lead us to marry the wrong person. Sex creates strong emotional bonds and can make us believe a relationship is deeper than it really is. This emotional bonding can lead us to prolong a relationship that is based mainly on sexual attraction—very powerful feelings that nevertheless fade. As a result, we eventually feel trapped in a relationship we have outgrown.
Sex is a mystery that is very exciting for a married couple to explore, learn about and share together. On the other hand, if one of the partners is "experienced," he/she she will always be comparing his/her spouse to previous persons with whom he/she has had sex. In this way, previous partners come back to haunt the marriage bed and create dissatisfaction. A scientific study of people who were virgins when they married found that they enjoyed their sex lives with their spouses more than people who were not virgins when they married.
Sex is not a need; it is a drive. If you do not eat, you will die. If you do not sleep, you will lose motor and mental skills and have accidents and be unable to work. If you do not have sex, will you die? Will you lose motor and mental skills? In fact, those who live celibate lives, such as monks and nuns, are renowned for their longevity, good health and spiritual wisdom!
Sometimes people compare human sexuality with animal sexuality. However, there is a great deal of difference. Animals cannot control their sex drive and have no choice but to mate when they are in heat. For them, sex is not related to love. As human beings, we have the ability to control our behavior with our minds. We can think and evaluate a situation before we act. We don't have to follow every desire or impulse we feel. This is because human sex is not just a physical act. It is meant to be an expression of love between two people who are committed to one another for life. It downgrades our humanity to separate sex from love.
A wedding ceremony represents a public commitment between a man and a woman. Every culture known to scientists has had marriage. Is it just an ancient custom--or is it something that people everywhere, in every time era, have wanted? Those who are not prepared to make a public commitment to each other, as in marriage, are not yet ready for the intimate relationship of sex.
When two people simply live together, the partners—sometimes unconsciously—keep the idea of walking out when things get tough. This influences the atmosphere in the family, if there are children. Even when the relationship seems harmonious, the partners can never be completely sure of each other. There will always be a feeling of insecurity about their relationship.
One way we communicate with each other is through language. Our words convey information and meaning to each other. If we misuse our words, our ability to communicate will be devalued.
The same applies to love, which is often described as a language. If we easily say, "I love you," to lots of people, then it becomes difficult to find words to express love to the person who really is special. If we easily have sex with people, even if we think we are expressing love to them, we no longer have any unique and exclusive way to express love to the person who is most special to us. Just as words are devalued by misuse and overuse, so is sexual love.
That is why the marital relationship has been the place traditionally reserved for the sexual dimension of love. Sexual love becomes the seal upon this unique, exclusive relationship and sets it apart from all others.
Some benefits of abstinence until marriage
Abstinence spares us from unwanted feelings of guilt, regret, hurt and betrayal that come from uncommitted sexual relationships. Research shows that there is a big difference in the psychology of people who engage in sex before marriage and those who don’t. Teenagers who choose abstinence tend to be more capable of thinking about their future and planning ahead. Those who are sexually active, on the other hand, often do not think ahead. They tend to live in the moment. No wonder they get into trouble!
Sexual abstinence means not only not engaging in sex, but also keeping our thoughts and words clean and pure. In its broadest sense it means reserving our heart and soul for that special expression of love meant for marriage. In addition to avoiding the negative consequences of premature sexual relations such as unwanted pregnancies and diseases, we can count among the benefits of abstinence the following:
• You are free to develop your character.
Young people spend a lot of time making themselves sexually attractive. By deciding to wait until marriage, you can devote your attention instead to developing your virtues, which will make your marriage more romantic later on. By saving sex for marriage, you can focus on preparing for your career and your future in general.
• You can develop friendships with a wide variety of people.
You can be free to befriend many people and learn the value of friendship without sexual pressures. Many times teenagers are afraid to simply make friends with someone because their partner may become jealous. Often very good friendships are ruined when the friends become sexually involved. By deciding to wait until marriage, all of your friends can remain as friends because you have drawn a clear line between your friends and your eventual spouse.
• You can trust yourself and your future spouse.
By developing self-control before you are married, you can trust yourself to be faithful after marriage. If you cannot wait until you are married, the pattern you have established can easily destroy your marriage. If either you or your spouse could not control your sexual behavior before marriage, how can you trust that you can after marriage?
• You can keep your marriage fresh and alive.
The intensity of first love is tremendous—it fills every cell of your body. You walk into your first love full of hope and expectation. You feel as if it will last forever. But if you break up, heartbreak is inevitable, and somehow the second love is never as wondrous as the first. But if that first-love feeling is cemented by total commitment through marriage, that marriage will be much more fresh and alive than one which you entered after the memory of other broken relationships.
• You won't be compared to past lovers.
It's not easy to forget the experience of previous love affairs, even if you are married. If both you and your spouse come into the marriage pure, you will never suffer the experience of comparing your spouse or being compared to anyone else. There is nothing more demeaning to self-esteem than to be told that you aren't as good as someone else, especially in this most intimate aspect of life. Partners should be able to love and accept each other in an innocent and discovering way.
• You will be able to love your spouse truly.
True love means that we live for the sake of the other. In marriage the husband thinks of what is best for his wife and the wife thinks of what is best for her husband. They live to bring joy to one another. Your ability to control your sexuality for the sake of your spouse builds respect and love now, like putting money in the bank for future riches. By being true to that person before marriage, you are showing that you cherish that person above all else. He or she will be very grateful for the gift of purity you bring to the marriage.
Questions for reflection
1. Which reasons for saving sex until marriage seem most convincing to you?
2. Which reasons seem least convincing? Explain why.
3. What is abstinence?
4. What do you think of the justifications people make for premarital sex?
6. How do you think you would feel if you suddenly discovered you were pregnant, or you caused someone to get pregnant?
7. What would you do?
8. How would you feel if you suddenly discovered you had a sexual disease?
9. What would you do?
Reflection exercise: “Your Plans"
What are your plans for the next ten years? How old you will be in ten years? Think about what you want to have accomplished by then. What are your goals in terms of your education and career? Are you thinking of traveling? If you become involved in an uncommitted sexual relationship, how could this influence the fulfillment of your plans? What can you do not to avoid a situation which might damage your future?